There's an 855 foot ship docked in Miami, like right now, just waiting to load up with rock kids of all kinds, boys and girls alike, for a three day exercise in avoiding mono while sleeping near a glory portal (I think we just got mono envisioning that! Or at least HIV). They call this high seas adventure The Bruise Cruise. Poor kids from glamorous locales all across the country like Chino, Lincoln, Denton, and Park Slope will board the floating phallus of phun high on Dramamine (and glue) with the hope of snagging some rad times with their favorite Mountain Dew-Scion-Sailor Jerry rocker. Naw, fuck all that - "The" Segall gonna be there!! So we're on board (well not literally, we don't have passports! Or Dramamine), sending our version of a chaparone in America's $1 Comdian, Neil Hamburger. What he lacks in chaperoning skills he'll make up for with searing routines that'll only hurt whether or not you laugh. He speaks a special brand of truth that the callow young ears these kids got may or may not be able to handle; s'important, as we're assured that there won't be any handling of any other kind going on, anyway. But we know better - chancres away, kids!

So, if you're priveleged enough to ditch your yacht for this hescher vessel, catch Ty Segall perform with The Togas and help yourself to some Hamburger. You're better off rockin' and for christ's sake, don't heckle the comedian - you don't know pain until you've seen a tweet from Neil with your name in it. Neil n'f'n Ty'll have records for sale and you should buy them there! Or here, cause ships still sink and pirates still plunder!