Tomorrow evening Bill Callahan will make his Lincoln Center debut as a part of the Center’s American Songbook series. It’s pretty pretentious - I'm sure you've seen it on TV. Somebody performs your song while you sit up in the mezzanine with a smile plastered on your face, trying to live through the moment with a medal rainbow-strapped around your neck. It's a good moment for mom, but for the rest of us...

Oh, wait, that's the Kennedy Center Honors, right! No, no - this thing is a big deal. It's actually based on something with merit. We can get behind the idea of the American Songbook, it's certainly a form of heritage for our artists outside of the trail of defunct clubs and unmarked graves that represent "history" for most of our own. This is serious shit here. There’s a program and everything, with notes like, "We would like to remind you that the sound of coughing and rustling paper might distract the performers and your fellow audience members..." Whoa. Really? We've got shows that are nothing but coughing, rustling paper and the sounds of audience members. And they're sold out, too! But don't worry - if that's too off-putting for you, Bill also wrote a "Note From the Artist" that should put your mind at ease. See for yourselves - you can view it online if this sounds weird! We know it’s a lot to ask for you to click a link, but this is a definite once-in-lifetime type thing. Plus, when Bill writes even a sentence, the world’s a happier place. And the man wrote an entire half-page for this program. No wonder he hasn't returned any of our calls in a month! The man's clearly talked out.

Allow this citation:

“Playing these shows for Apocalypse has been a most rewarding experience. I feel like tonight marks the end of the Apocalypse tour. I was looking for something to end it with, as it seemed it would last forever – and then this show came along and I was set.”

So this will be quite the event. Park Avenue will literally empty as the music cognosenti rumble like a herd of lemmings to West side! Lincoln Center’s lost and found will swell with scarves bought on Etsy! And there will be an inexplicable bed bug outbreak in Manhattan immediately following the performance. And these are the new pretention-positive bed bugs we're talking about.

If you can make it, get going already! Limited availability and whatnot. If NYC is no dice for you (as it is for us - yawwwnnnn!), then just shuffle on over the Drag City website, grab a copy of Apocalypse, make your garden apartment look like Lincoln Center (we don’t know what it looks like either) and have you own concert where cell phones are allowed and you can take a shit when the side breaks.